I’m referring to the ‘past’ although not as you would think, with so many quotes and posts over the internet making it sound like a simple process. Well, I’m writing this post for people like myself that don’t see it as such an effortless matter. Often being referred to as merely; ‘realize what you’re doing, and just stop’. When these situations in the past are involving people very ‘near and dear’ to you, it is not that straightforward nor uncomplicated. Also those quotes about ‘leaving people behind / forever’ seems to be pertaining to mere acquaintances and they aren’t good enough to ‘be in’ your life; therefore ‘get them out of your life’ per se. So this is certainly not an option for my situation usually good friends are not that easy to find, not forgetting that everyone has been brought up differently, so a little ‘bending’ like the Lao Tzu quote below is necessary.
This is a nice quote which is leaning more towards my feeling about ‘letting go’ for example: “In the end, only three things matter: how much you have loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you”. Until a better time arises.. 🙂 of course. Another form of the quote: “In the end these things matter most: How well did you love? How fully did you live? How deeply did you let go? Just keep in mind, in my point of view; it’s also not important ‘how fast you let go’.. Often times the reason it takes so long, is that person is extremely important to you”.
Recently I had found out something, after years of ‘skirting’ around an issue for fear of an argument, in which once again we won’t speak for a while. I was able to bring up a situation with the ‘said person in my life’… and it finally came to light that she honestly saw no wrong in her actions!! Well, believe it or not, this actually has helped me. Therefore, I’m sharing my thoughts on the angle of never give up on something that has somewhat ‘planted itself’ in your memory… seemingly forever. If ever a situation comes along to bring up the ‘situation’ that is niggling you (even perhaps for years on end) keep trying, if like my situation they ‘keep blowing up’ at you when you try and discuss the situation, leave it for a time when they are going to actually ‘talk it through’ with you… Mind you I only really tried it 3 or so times in the last four years with her. Not an option to leave her out of my life, as she’s a good friend, also as my mother use to say: “Don’t let the sun go down with an unresolved argument”… I’ll just add ‘forever’ at the end 🙂 As ignoring a situation, does not make it go away.
Don’t we all wish that we had covered topics in the past with the people who mean the most to us? When it becomes too late, or the friendship dwindles to a point that to recover that closeness seems like too much work. As in my prior posting I must learn to ‘live it’.. As also the title states, we are all so used to that phrase but how many of us try to concentrate on the use of it in our lives?
When the ‘moment is gone’ we certainly cannot get it back. I love the idea of something I used in my career a lot, where it is to become a better ‘listener’ ~ in every moment.. Which, along with ‘taking a breath’ to fully consider ‘the moment’ you see it may be that we are missing the interpretation of that moment from the other person’s point of view.
Too many times we find out much later that it is the bigger ‘picture’ surrounding ‘a moment’, that we had missed.
“Let differences between you and your friends exist, as long as they don’t extinguish the flame of unity”.
Interpretation doesn’t help you allow you to change events; nothing does.. There’s been many a time that I’ve thought something through, time and again and still refuses to surface why I ‘chose’ a certain ‘path’ for example..
However, it does give you the freedom to choose how much importance you attach which events in your life. It is easy to confuse interpretations with information, We tend to ‘register’ some of information and ignore some at the same time.. it seems, there we lose sight of how we came to various conclusions along the way.. because we often do not give enough ‘thought to our thinking’ process itself.
We watch, take in information, summarize and select what we choose to remember based on various assumptions, facts out of that summary. It’s refreshing to think we can be more ‘selective’ with this process. Many of us forget that it is an unconscious expression, also easily made to become a ‘conscious’ one. To clarify situations in ones life, it often helps to clarify therefore changing the way we interpret.
If we thought about each inference we made, life would pass us by. Our intuitive reasoning is invaluable. People can and do reach different conclusions, even when they are working from the same pool of ‘info’.. assumptions verse fact are often misconstrued. If you view your conclusions as obvious, no one sees a need to describe how they got there. With highly intuitive people, they rarely know, unless questioned closely..
If you become more aware of where your reasoning comes from, you become more aware of how important it is to your own thinking in the future. Which will help in the long run, with how one makes choices in life. Smaller situations you’ll be looking more at factual points of the different situations and the conclusions, will hopefully feel more ‘concrete’. As it will allow you to see what impacts on you and what you may have missed…
“The keys to the future lie hidden in plain sight because we are blinded by the glare of the present, by what paleontologists call ‘the tyranny of the near past’ and by other factors that contribute to the distorting lens of attitudes and biases that mediate our perceptions of the world” ~ Don Michael
Being flexible with the information comes from appreciating that no single event or person is totally responsible for your feelings. Neither is one cause at the root of anything. In that light, try looking at what we have considered important moments in your life and what makes them important. It’s a good place to start. Both the strong and vulnerable sides of you in the situation.. Things that linked the aspects of the situation with parts of your character, don’t let us forget the underlying filters that we all have ‘in~built’ and now has to compensate for them by somewhat ‘studying’ them. Things that we must ‘expose’ our true feelings rather than our ‘strategies’ for hiding our feelings. This is the hardest part as over time integral defensive patterns come out as they are so ingrained in our system; that we believe them to be ‘us’…
Taking a critique of your emotions is a crucial part of making a fresh start in your choice / decision making. This has all been something I am working on right now in my life… My next posting will be a lot ‘lighter’ I think.. *laughs*
Since I have quite a few blogs, I’m going to ‘stick to my tagline’: which really surmounts to nothing more than being more flexible on this one.. A note on that, with my other blogs I also tend to keep my thoughts to a minimum, merely because the aforementioned blogs are more for information collating and sharing my favorite topics, music etc…
Choices, which I was referring to in my last post, I believe also that as the decades show through history, we definitely have too many of them.
Then there’s the illusion of ‘choice’ ~ 100’s of television channels with nothing on you want to watch. If you have been brought up with far less of these, it’s often harder to face this supposed plethora. So does choice / decision dilemma extend to all parts of our lives now..? Choosing relationships perhaps..
Do some think;
“there’s so much out there this person will suit me fine.. for now, maybe even long term… I’ve been looking a while…” ad nauseam
Do we choose people who will accept our controlled story? Do we choose people who will accept and value us as ‘all we are’, letting us be per say, ‘ourselves’. Does the higher the risk mean the more opportunity for growth?
I seriously get confused with some relationships, where I know that one or the other of the partnership is quite obviously a pretense of what is ‘gleaming’ out of every pore in their body (of course these are people I know..) and conversation is a little too fake with their ‘chosen’.. I find this more than a little sad..
Sometimes we are drawn to people who will force us into a risk zone: this ‘zone’ maybe one that makes us ‘see and accept ourselves’ more than we are used to. One of the attractions of passion and romance is that they have the potential to take us further, withe a higher excitement level, than a companion might. It may even explain some of our attraction to people who are “dangerous”.. These decisions are both intuitive and conscious; head to heart.
Then there’s the idea of friends with benefits.. well has that truly worked for a great number of people? I would say not in the long term for the ‘friendship’.. for either sex.
There are no single victims in long~term relationships; if you examine what may look like a victim, you generally find collusion. Both parties are keeping something going; ex: he may be sleeping around and she may be turning a blind eye.
Choosing relationships opens some possibilities and closes others. The question is whether you are choosing the correct possibilities that are how you define yourself and what you are looking for in the long and short term, because really both matter!
If you believe the world is a hostile place, you don’t believe you have a choice and end up protecting yourself against the ‘hostile world’
Where there is a driving force for change, there usually exists a complementary force against it. Gestalt theorists describe this behaviour as resistance. It is not an absence of energy, but an energy that flows in a different direction. When resistance is consciously chosen, it is powerful and constructive. (Contrary to Borg belief, resistance is not futile).
A great deal of learning comes from recognizing the polarities in resistance. It is necessary for self~regulation and without it people cannot maintain their boundaries. So when you choose a particular course of action, not only will you need to accept a loss, you will also need to work with the resistance itself.
So does this suggest that, in order to understand what is important to us, we have to experience it first? Maybe we won’t know how important it is to us until we don’t have it. Many people talk about how important their family become when one of them becomes ill. Or they only allow themselves to think of all the things they have ever wanted to do because they are sick, or come into a great deal of money. There is a reality here, clearly about what we need to survive in the world and what we have to give up in order to do so. However, how much of that is what we want to have, rather than what we think we should or ought to have?
‘Through purely logical thinking we can attain no knowledge whatsoever of the empirical world’ ~ Albert Einstein
Could we have made a better decision anyway? Who knows? In the real world it is impossible to decide what makes a better decision, because you can see the effects of only one decision unfold in practice. What another decision would have achieved will forever remain unknown.
Therefore…. choose wisely, as they say.
- Albert Einstein Discovers New Planet. Really. (science.time.com)